THE SECONDARY GAINS THAT HOLD US BACK

In today’s fast-paced, AI-driven, and always-connected world, we’re constantly bombarded with information from social media, news, and other digital sources. This overwhelming influx often leaves us grappling with unresolved fears and anxieties that linger in our minds—sometimes for years.

As we navigate this complex landscape, many of these fears remain unaddressed, compounding and affecting our well-being.

One of the keys to resolving fear is to recognise that everything we do has a positive intention, even when the behaviors may seem counterproductive. These “secondary gains” often prevent us from acting or breaking free from limiting patterns, but with the right guidance, they can be addressed and transformed.

Fears and anxieties can have a profound negative impact on both social and work lives. These include fears of… flying, performing, public speaking, failure, rejection, enclosed spaces, the dark, needles, not being able to have a ‘life’ without alcohol, vaping, smoking, to name only a few.

Here are some common issues I see in my NLP and hypnotherapy practice related to fear and anxiety, and the positive intentions behind them.

IMPOSTER SYNDROME 

Many people experience feelings of being a fraud, worrying that they will be “found out” or deemed unworthy of their achievements. Imposter syndrome is often fueled by a fear of judgment or rejection. Its positive intention is to push the person toward excellence or protect them from harsh criticism. However, this constant doubt creates stress and anxiety, preventing the person from truly embracing their skills and successes.

PROCRASTINATION 

On the surface, procrastination seems like a bad habit, but it often serves the purpose of protecting us from potential failure. For many, procrastination shields them from the emotional pain of disappointment or rejection. The fear of failure is a powerful force that keeps people stuck, avoiding the risk of failing or making mistakes. This pattern, while seemingly unhelpful, is the mind’s way of keeping you safe from harm.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM / NOT FEELING “ENOUGH” 

Low self-esteem often stems from a fear of vulnerability. The positive intention here may be to avoid situations that could lead to humiliation or rejection. By not putting themselves out there or pursuing goals, people with low self-esteem believe they are protecting themselves from emotional harm. But over time, this only reinforces feelings of inadequacy, trapping them in a cycle of self-doubt.

PERFECTIONISM 

Perfectionism is driven by a fear of not being good enough, but it serves the positive intention of striving for high standards and avoiding criticism. Perfectionists believe that if they achieve flawlessness, they can escape rejection or failure. Unfortunately, this often leads to constant stress and an inability to ever feel satisfied with their accomplishments.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

By identifying and reframing underlying intentions and secondary gains, you can adopt new, healthier strategies that align with your goals, creating lasting change.

For ‘Imposter Syndrome’, the positive intention might be to avoid judgment or rejection. A healthier alternative could be focusing on self-acknowledgment and celebrating achievements, allowing you to accept and appreciate your skills without the fear of being “found out.”

Looking at ‘Procrastination’, this often aims to protect you from the fear of failure or disappointment. By reframing, a healthier alternative might be developing a habit of time management and goal setting. By breaking tasks into manageable steps, you can experience small wins, building confidence while still feeling secure.

‘Low self-esteem’ often stems from a fear of vulnerability or rejection. Through reframing, you can work on building self-compassion and self-care routines that promote inner confidence, reducing the need for external validation and strengthening self-worth.

The positive intention of ‘Perfectionism’ is usually to avoid criticism or ensure approval. A healthier approach is learning to embrace progress over perfection, setting realistic standards and accepting that mistakes are part of growth. This shift allows for high performance without constant pressure.

You can find out more about how to make positive changes in my life coaching, hypnotherapy and NLP sessions and courses as well as my book, Walking Back To Happiness: The Secret To Alcohol-Free Living & Well-Being, which shows how you can massively improve your mental and physical well-being. Packed with over 70 exercises or steps you can take to improve your well-being and happiness, it’s a blueprint of how to live your best life! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nigel-Jones/e/B0B7RP6LH6/

HAVE A GREAT DAY…

Please contact me if you would like to find out more about life coaching and book a coaching chemistry session with me. Book a Coaching Chemistry Call https://calendly.com/9kmby9am/30minchemistrysession

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